I'm Here To Love You With All I Have

“Yo Hunger Games Fandom, I’m really happy for you, Imma let you finish but Harry Potter was one of the best series of all time”

Source: itsharrypotterbitch

It’s in that one moment where everything comes crashing down on you…
and everyone is asleep…
so the bathroom and a bunch of tissues are your best friend… 

I lost her…

This…is a rant…about all of the things…

So…World Steam was last weekend….
And I love world steam, i really do, with all my heart…but then I go home and I just wish that I could take all of the values and the culture of them with me.  The kindness, the nerdiness, the creativity…I want it to be a part of my every day life.  I want to be able to go up to any random person I see wearing some awesome outfit and give them a hug and sit down and have a half hour conversation with them and then ask them if they would like some tea.  I love going into one room adn seeing a how to sew lesson, and the next room having an irish drinking band, and the next room a sword fighting lesson.  I want that to be my entire life.  That community of people that I have grown to love over the past three years has become my other family…
Which brings me to Cassie…
A dear friend of our ‘little’ family passed away almost as soon as the convention was over…and that…that’s just not fair at all.  She had an asthma attack and she had finished off her inhaler at the convention…no one was expecting it.  And that just got me thinking about my own health and what I’m going to do if there is even a remote chance that project access doesn’t let me get my heart monitor…what if my condition worsens to the point wheere i can never recover fully…that I may have no choice but to get a new heart entirely…I don’t want that…I wanna be Kay in full!  
Which brings me to Naomi….
I am so freaking paranoid about finding out on Monday it’s not even funny…it’s like…on top of all of this drama that’s going on around me, I’m also finding out the biggest news of my life….and I don’t know how to handle it quite yet…but I’ve been super cranky and super hormonal and I’ve been fighting with JP and Vex more because I keep getting scared and angry….and I just don’t know what to do with it all…
Which brings me to Alex…
My little brother, who is graduating tomorrow, is…well…graduating tomorrow.  I feel like such a failure of an older sister because in the entire 18 years that he has been alive I have maybe seen him for two of those years….I didn’t help him grow up, and I definitally didn’t set a good example for him.   I just wish I could do a better job for Paytan and Presely…but I feel like I’m failing even more with them…and I don’t even want to talk about how horrible of a sister I am to Megan…When they all become teenagers I feel like they’re going to hate me. 
Which brings me to JP…
Who I love and cherish with my whole being…I don’t know what I would do without him.  And I want to start this family with him, I really do.  But when he’s away it really sucks not to be able to have that physical connection with anyone…it’s not that I’m attracted to anyone, it’s just that I am SO used to getting all of the attention in the world [both physically and just on an emotional level] that I go through withdrawls when I’m at places that he’s not [like world steam…hey look…full circle]

So…I dunno

Life get’s pretty complicated pretty quick.
Don’t fuck it up.

-Ramblings of a girl who got off work two hours early